he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
