I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
