is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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