So drunk its hurt
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
