I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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