you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
