God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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