She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
