Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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