And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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