Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
