he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
