omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
