How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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