i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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