The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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