I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
