he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
