It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
