I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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