Your mouth is God's brothel.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
