i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize