Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
