Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
