i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
