yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
