I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
