omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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