I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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