My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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