I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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