Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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