I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
