i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
