I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize