so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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