If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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