the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize