im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize