so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
