we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
