I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
