Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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