I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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