I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
