i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize