Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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