i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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