Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
