I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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