uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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