Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
