Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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