my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
