dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
