I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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