the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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