So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize