i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
