Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
