Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
