I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Sober January is a disaster.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
