Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
