no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
